I pledge my purity to the United States of America

Living here in South Carolina I have developed a special shrug to use when I visit California or New York. It’s unfortunate, but most of my old friends and acquaintances only know about South Carolina from what they learn on the news. So when I’m confronted by the newest embarrassment to come out of this state, I use my special shrug and say, “How about those Mets?” Truth is, however, that I often don’t know what silliness is going on in the state simply because I take no steps to stay aware of the news. I haven’t seen television news in several years, I don’t subscribe to or read any local papers. I listen to the radio and get some information on the internet (that’s how I found out who won the Superbowl).

But today while scanning the feed from Slate, I noticed those dreaded initials—SC. What I then read seemed reasonable for the state and I suspect Grover Norquist might want to get involved in this one. It’s not a state-wide initiative yet but as more counties consider it, who knows how far it will go.

South Carolina appears to be the birthplace of the Pledge of Purity. Anyone considering running for office must take their pledge … and it is serious so they have to tell the truth. I, naturally, would have no problem with the pledge, but the likes of Newt Gingrich (who won the SC Primary and became King-for-a-Day, if you remember) might have some difficulty with a couple of questions and he would be forced to attack the liberal media for his indiscretions.

I’m sure everyone will enjoy matching their level of purity against that demanded by the good people of South Carolina, so here are some of the points to consider:

  • A compassionate and moral approach to Teen Pregnancy
  • A high regard for Unites States Sovereignty
  • Opposition to abortion under any circumstance
  • Faithfulness to one’s spouse, who cannot be of the candidate’s gender
  • Support of a balanced state and federal budget
  • Candidates must have or currently abide by abstinence before marriage
  • Candidates must not look at pornography

Easy-peasy. Unfortunately, some of the local politicians surmised that the pledge was unconstitutional and probably illegal, so the county cognoscenti blinked and we won’t be seeing the Feds sneaking around our bogs and fens this time. It was probably that America-hating liberal media again which took away our freedom to impose restrictions on other people’s freedoms.

(Just a little aside: after growing up in Southern California and going to UCLA and despising USC all those years, I sometimes get confused whether I am supporting the Trojans or the ‘Cocks. Either way, I might be voiding my pledge.)

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