I’m just a hairy guy

It all started with the Women Haters Club which failed to control the intermixing of the sexes every time Alfalfa wandered off to do goo-goo-eyes with Darla. We all grew up and left the gang behind. Now there is the grown-up club, the Hair Club for Men. I desperately want to be a member but, even though shockingly white, my hair just refuses to fall out.

The Hair Club tells me that I will look and feel younger and the chicks will insist on running their fingers through my hair at the beach or out on the town. Who wouldn’t want this?

But what interested me most was that the Hair Club would send you, free of charge, a video showing all the benefits of their hair restoration techniques … in a discrete plain brown envelope. I’m thinking that the video must be obscene showing unimagined advantages to having hair on the head, especially when in the company of hot women who are uncontrollable when confronted by hair. Funny, though; I have a full head of hair now and at best I can get my dog to lick my ear. The other anomaly I see is that some bald guy doesn’t want the neighbors to know he is seeking treatment for his lack of hair but after the treatment he is open and proud to show off his new hair (especially when in the swimming pool with hot women). Do they think the neighbors are stupid?

There is one problem with this urge to replace baldness with ersatz natural hair which some of the hair-loss commercials even use it in their campaign:  the loss of hair is related to an overabundance of male hormones. So baldness is a sign of raging masculine hormones, which I expect should attract the opposite sex, but the message is that a man is more desirable with well-groomed hair, possibly hinting that he suffers from low testosterone and might prefer a night of Yachtze rather than more physical pursuits.

Life sure sends mixed messages. But it’s good to know the Hair Club is concerned for the well-being of all insecure men without sullying their altruism with concerns for profits. Why, they never even mention that all the good they do involves some financial obligation.

But to merge some of the discussion from the last few posts, here is a little ditty from our not that distant past:


She asks me why, I’m just a hairy guy
I’m hairy noon and night, hair that’s a fright
I’m hairy high and low, don’t ask me why, don’t know
It’s not for lack of bread, like the Greatful Dead, darlin’

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy

Hair, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow, my hair

Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas, in my hair
A home for fleas, a hive for the buzzing bees
A nest for birds, there ain’t no words
For the beauty, splendor, the wonder of my hair

Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow, my hair

I want long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka dotted, twisted, beaded, braided
Powered, flowered and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spahettied

Oh say, can you see my eyes if you can
Then my hair’s too short
Down with here, down to there
Down till there, down to where it’s stuck by itself

They’ll be ga-ga at the go-go, when they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond, brilliantined, biblical hair
My hair like Jesus wore it, Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son, why don’t my mother love me?

Hair, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My hair, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My hair, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My hair

[Songwriters: Rado, James; Ragni, Gerome;]

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