Carton Mellick has brought together a fine collection of Bizarro tales all associated with Christmas. But please don’t get these confused with the Christmas specials the young ones love to watch each year on television: this stuff is purely for the adults in the family. The varied stories come from the warped imaginations of several excellent Bizarro authors, namely:
- Jordan Krall (Santa Claus and the Elves of Fuck)
- Jeff Burk (Frosty and the Full Monty)
- Andrew Goldfarb (Unwanted Gifts)
- Kevin L. Donihe (Two-Way Santa)
- Edmund Colell (The Christmas Turn-On)
- Cameron Pierce & Kirsten Alene (The Elf Slut Sisters)
- Kevin Shamel (Christmas Crabs)
I’m surprised that Carlton didn’t include one of his Christmas stories but you might want to check out Sausagey Santa for a classic Mellick mind bender. In the meantime, how about a horny Santa that steps out on Mrs. Claus or a drugged-out Snowman who earns his keep by dancing in a biker bar and giving snow-jobs on the side or the elf-porn about twin-sisters that just can’t say No.
Here’s what Carlton Mellick III says in his introductory note:
For some, Christmas is a time of family bonding, Christianity, and awesome fucking toys. But for me, it is a little more special than that. I view Christmas as the time of peppermint dominatrixes, elf orgies, snowjobs, and getting drunk with fat guys. So I have decided to share with you my true meaning of Christmas with this book, Christmas on Crack, a collection of magical holiday tales written by members of my family: the bizarro fiction community. Besides releasing this as a companion piece to my own Christmas book, Sausagey Santa, I’ve also released it as a way to introduce my readers to other writers in the bizarro fiction scene. So read these tales and if you like them check out some of the authors’ books. Underground writers could use your support.
So, I hope you enjoy these Christmas tales of bizarro debauchery. Consider it my Christmas present to you. If you’re good I might give you another Christmas present next year. But if you’re bad, I guess you’re kind of fucked, because Creepy Cowboy Santa (pictured …) likes to hang naughty boys and girls . . . Not to kill you or anything, he just hangs you for a few minutes because he’s got a strangling fetish. He might even pay you if you let him do it, and that’s pretty cool. A little extra money around Christmas is always good. It’s a win-win situation.
Merry Christmas and shit,
– Carlton Mellick III 12/01/10
Looking for fun? Need to warp or re-warp you mind? Try these stories … they are different (very different).