High Court Goes Gay; GOP Frets

Letter: High court goes gay; GOP frets
By Tony Bender on Jul 12, 2015 at 1:12 a.m.

Whew! Man, a guy takes a week off and look what happens.

SCOTUSI’m still sorting this out. The gist, I guess, is that America now has gay health care. I haven’t reviewed the fine print but, as I understand it, you may now marry the doctor of your choice.

Many Republicans are outraged, enraged and deranged by the way nine Druids in Washington circumvented the Constitution. Just like that time they pitched pennies in the hallway to decide the winner of the 2000 presidential election.

You don’t have to be a constitutional scholar to know how wrong it was to make a decision in that manner. These things should be decided by a field goal in the waning seconds of overtime. Or that rock/paper/scissors thing.

Bobby Jindal, one of 666 Republicans seeking the nomination for president, said, “If we want to save some money, let’s just get rid of the court.” Presumably after conservatives dump the EPA, IRS and other troublesome letters of the alphabet.

Ted Cruz called it, “the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history.” The. Darkest. Day. Ever. Worse than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, JFK’s assassination, or the day the Baha Men released “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Actually, it was a toss-up until they pulled “The Dukes of Hazzard” off television. Losing Daisy Duke pretty much sealed the deal. Clear evidence of the gayification of America.

Even our state lawmakers in North Dakota had an opinion. Rep. Dwight Kiefert, R-Valley City, weighed in with a bunch of misspelled words on Twizzler. Kiefert, you may recall, famously blocked an Islamic prayer at the state Capitol last session.

If a gay Muslim ever comes in to do the invocation, Kiefert’s head will explode. I doubt anyone will be hurt, though. It’s not like it will be an M-80 going off. We can only pray it doesn’t mess up the brass railing.

Mike Huckabee, who is in the 16th of his 15 minutes, said the Supreme Court “cannot overrule God.” The Lord God in Heaven Above has yet to hold a press conference on the matter, although Fox News has set aside emergency airtime and Steve Doocy continues to speak in tongues.

Despite the ruling forcing all Americans to be gay-married, the good news is the country survived Independence Day without any terrorist attacks – a testament to the vigilance of Fox News, which warned daily of imminent doom. Between commercials, of course. If I were marketing Depends, I’d go all in on Fox News because when all those old white people watch, they crap their pants.

Amid the chaos of marriage equality, more Americans guaranteed health care, falling unemployment, the shrinking deficit, Wall Street at record highs, and the Minnesota Twins five games over .500, there are even more serious issues facing us.

If you watch Fox, you know an Oregon bakery, specializing strictly in heterosexual cakes, has been ordered to pay $135,000 in damages to a lesbian couple after refusing to bake their wedding cake.

I don’t know how the couple wanted the cake decorated, but I imagine it was something right out of Caligula.

A tip o’ the hat to Fox News for alerting us to the acute shortage of gay bakeries in America. This is a clear result of outsourcing, brought on by bad trade deals. All I can say is, if Donald Trump wants to win this election, he will at least allow gay Mexican bakers into the country. Little Debbie can’t do it all.

Burt & ErnieI don’t blame Republicans for being upset. If Americans no longer have the freedom to discriminate on the basis of their personal beliefs, well, what is this world coming to? It’s not like this is a Woolworth’s lunch counter in 1960.

Still, I see a silver lining in the apocalyptic cloud. With American ingenuity and the entrepreneurial spirit, we can turn lemons into … Mike’s Hard Lemonade and get really plastered. No! No! That’s not it, although that’s not a bad idea.

With mandated gay marriage, someone is going to make a killing on gay baking, just like some folks in Colorado are cleaning up on gay marijuana. My advice is to invest big in gay flour, gay eggs and gay frosting – mostly pastels, I suppose.

This could be bigger than the Depends thing. Except from a marketing standpoint, I wouldn’t advertise gay cakes on Fox.

Gretchen Carlson would have a cow, which would be even more evidence of the liberal stranglehold on this country.

Bender is an author of several books, and president of Redhead Publishing, parent company of the Wishek, N.D., Star and Ashley, N.D., Tribune weekly newspapers. This column first appeared there.

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