It is common knowledge that the installation of stripper poles in first grade classrooms is a nefarious plot to undermine the morals of our dear children. Oh, I admit that in some neighborhoods the stripper pole might be considered an education aide, but not in my neighborhood.

Please sign the petition I am circulating as the cornerstone of my candidacy. If elected I will personally rip all stripper poles from the sanctity of the classroom and guarantee that little Muffy and Blaine will no longer be influenced by the dark side. In some parts of the country they are even transporting our precious children in party buses complete with stripper poles and bordello lighting. Oh, they say it’s because of a dire shortage of school buses, but we know different.

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