Christmas in Snow or At the Beach?

images.jpgMerry Christmas! Any snow where you are? Here in Hilton Head it’s a balmy 80 degrees and I’m sweating. Growing up in San Diego I guess I’m somewhat used to the warm weather during the holidays (water skiing on New Year’s Day anyone?). But I did spend over 30 years in New Jersey, experiencing more than my share of cold and wet and frozen.

I remember San Diego days driving up into the mountains, cavorting in the snow, and driving back to the beach for some gnarly waves. They used to say that San Diego would never support a major sports team because there was too many other fun things to do: who wanted to sit on a hard seat and watch what you could more comfortably enjoy on the television, possibly when relaxing at your neighbor’s beach bungalow.

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Christmas on Crack

Christmas Crack

Carton Mellick has brought together a fine collection of Bizarro tales all associated with Christmas. But please don’t get these confused with the Christmas specials the young ones love to watch each year on television: this stuff is purely for the adults in the family. The varied stories come from the warped imaginations of several excellent Bizarro authors, namely:

  • Jordan Krall (Santa Claus and the Elves of Fuck)
  • Jeff Burk (Frosty and the Full Monty)
  • Andrew Goldfarb (Unwanted Gifts)
  • Kevin L. Donihe (Two-Way Santa)
  • Edmund Colell (The Christmas Turn-On)
  • Cameron Pierce & Kirsten Alene (The Elf Slut Sisters)
  • Kevin Shamel (Christmas Crabs)

I’m surprised that Carlton didn’t include one of his Christmas stories but you might want to check out Sausagey Santa for a classic Mellick mind bender. In the meantime, how about a horny Santa that steps out on Mrs. Claus or a drugged-out Snowman who earns his keep by dancing in a biker bar and giving snow-jobs on the side or the elf-porn about twin-sisters that just can’t say No.

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War On Christmas

Even though the “War on Christmas” is fake and silly, it’s a vivid illustration of the right-wing noise machine in action. It’s the same noise machine used day in and day out to poison our news media with lies and smears. Here is a little video from Media Matters on the war on Christmas:

See also The 12 Days of Congress.