The Dead Raising Team

I have discovered a fascinating new service provided by the Dead Raising Team (DRT). I know that the loss of a loved-one might normally result in a return of the mineral and chemical products of a decomposing body or possibly the beatific flight of the soul to a billowy paradise somewhere on the other side of Dagobah but DRT can provide an even more immediate option. Here is the “mission statement” (if you will) from the splash page of the Dead Raising Team:

The DRT offers a service of support to any family that is grieving the loss of a loved one. In addition to giving the bereaved spiritual and emotional support, our team of trained ministers will offer prayers of resurrection on behalf of the deceased. Handling each situation with the utmost sensitivity, our team travels to the funeral home, morgue, or family’s home where the deceased is being kept. Upon arrival, we spend time in prayer with the family, as well as the deceased. We will stay as long as we are needed. Since it was started, the DRT has comforted families in the midst of grief, as well as having eleven resurrections to date as a result of their prayers. If this is a service that you would like to make use of in the midst of your pain, please contact us as soon as possible. Nothing is impossible with God. — The DRT

Now the DRT is evidently a non-profit organization which does not charge a fee for any of their services (they will, however, gladly accept donations). Somehow I don’t think this altruism will deflect the Amazing Randy’s of the world; besides, the DRT is rather open on their website about accepting donations (or as DRT posts, GIVE).

I overheard a conversation today where it was suggested that if the DRT was good at resurrection, think what they could do as a safer, faith-based alternative to Viagra and other boner drugs. Think of all the happy husbands and horny wives out there who will be clamoring for this service. Post-coital ecstasy will have gallons of grateful donations flowing into the DRT.

But on a more serious note: how are the families with newly dead and happily resurrected loved-ones handling the tax and inheritance considerations. Are they continuing to file a joint return? Do they have to give the Life Insurance benefits back or is there a codicil in the policy that allows for resurrected dead people to keep the cash?

But bottom line, if I had to go through months of pain and fear, finally receiving the relief and peace of death, would I want to suddenly be ripped from the spiritual light as my soul drifted towards the rainbow bridge? Right on the edge of paradise I pop back into my three-room apartment with the police sirens racing past the barred windows causing the roaches to scramble up the covers and into the bed where my freshly repaired body is lying on the sheets I soiled as my body shut down and I find a clutter of strangers mumbling what might pass as religious utterances directed to some unknown god who I don’t necessarily subscribe to but I see that they have cookies. Sound good?

Of course this is just a wild fantasy: would the DRT offer their free services where the possibility of monetary remuneration was nil … not to mention, COOKIES?